Last week I edited a document for a girlfriend.  It was a quick favor, just some light tweaking + sprucing. Took 15 minutes tops.

Shortly after I clicked “send” I received a gushing text.

“OMG you are SUCH an amazing writer.  Thank you so so so much!”

To which I instantly replied

“Ugh no stop it. YOU are amazing!”

Can I get a WTF?

As a life coach + woman preaching the gospel of self-love to anyone who will listen (and a few who won’t ;)), my inability to take my friend’s compliment is ASTOUNDING.

And it got me thinking:

WHY are we (especially as women) so uncomfortable hearing and talking about how wonderful we are?  Why do we dim down our light and shrink away from our greatness?  Is it cultural conditioning?  An innate belief that we’re all somehow inadequate?

While the answer is likely beyond the scope of this post, the solution (or at leas the beginning of it) is not.

Without further adieu, allow me to introduce my super official fancy-pants exercise entitled:

“What would the cockiest guy I know do?”

 I bust this baby out whenever I hear a client or friend playing down his or her (usually her) greatness in some way.

• First, I ask them to think of the most conceited, obnoxious and full-of-himself dude they know (usually not too terribly difficult to call to mind).

• Next, I ask them to describe how he would behave in their situation.

• Lastly, I challenge them to shift a few baby steps in that direction.

Now of course I’m not advocating that they (or you) become this guy.  He’s really annoying!  But since I’m confident there’s no chance of that happening (my blog readers are, after all, FABULOUS), taking a step closer to the bravado + confidence he expresses is usually a really positive step.

Because the truth is we ARE amazing.   And confidence breeds more confidence.  The more we believe in + project our greatness to the world, the more the world will reflect it back to us in a life worthy of that greatness.

So in the spirit of self-celebration and creating an amazing life, I dare you to write down one thing that makes you FABULOUS in the comments section below.

I’ll go first:

My name is Rebecca and I’m a brilliantly creative writer + mega-talented life coach.

See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?

Now your turn.

Be big. Be bold.  And do not, under any circumstances, be modest.

Fabulously yours,

Rebecca

“You seem like the type of girl who could easily be played,” a guy I was casually dating (and very much wanted to impress) once told me over brunch.  I almost chocked on my mimosa.

Me?  Easily played?  Was he serious?

“Really why?”  I responded, incredulous, but trying to seem nonchalant.

“Because you’re too nice.” 

BOOM.  There it was.  “Nice”.

A quality we all claim to want in a romantic partner, but seem to forget the minute six-pack abs, a trust fund or a general abundance of “game” enters the room.  A surefire way to end up on the losing team in the game of love.  The proverbial ‘kiss of death’ to sex appeal.

Or so I used to believe.

Over the last few years, however, my view of being “nice” and its impact on the whole dating “game” has shifted DRAMATICALLY.  In fact, I no longer even consider dating to be a “game” at all, for the very term “game” implies that there are winners and losers.  And with a shift in perspective, there don’t have to be.

When we view the people in our lives as both our teachers and our students, and relationships as lessons in disguise, inevitable rough patches + bumps along the way can be seen not as “failures” but rather opportunities to learn and grow.

In order to move in this direction, it’s particularly important to recognize the creative power of the words we speak, and bring awareness to any “disempowering” language we use to describe our love lives.  For example, why not replace, “he dumped me” with something like, “he decided that continuing this relationship wasn’t what was best for him—and by extension me—at this time.”

Whew.  Isn’t that lighter?  Cleaner? Less loaded with self-pity and judgment? I certainly think so.

And to take it a step further, how about no longer letting whether or not a relationship works out “mean” anything about you—or the person you’re dating!  If someone breaks up with you, for example, it doesn’t have to mean you’re a not pretty, smart, lovable, or whatever enough.  It also doesn’t mean the person you’re dating is a jerk.  Its simply indicates that the relationship isn’t meant to work out at this time and that there is someone out there better suited to both parties.  Period. End of story.

If there’s one thing I know for sure about love, it’s this:

We get back 100% of what we put out into the world.   The more love we give, without attachment to the result, the more love we will receive.  Therefore when we treat someone with anything less than love and kindness, we end up hurting ourselves more than we could ever possibly hurt them.  Because we are all ultimately connected.

So while being “nice” may weaken your “game” with someone who’s only interested in chasing you (and not fully available/capable of being with you), it has the power to take your universal “game” (aka. karma) to a whole new level; helping you to attract + keep a truly loving romantic partner.

So I invite you to join me in reclaiming your “niceness”.  

* In refusing to see dating as a “game” with winners and losers, but rather an opportunity for love and connection.

* In not letting the relative “success” of a romantic relationship mean anything about you or your partner.

* In being brave enough to drop the disempowering dating rhetoric so common in today’s culture.

* And finally, in simply viewing romance for what it is: A chance for you to connect with another human being; To have new experiences; To practice giving and receiving love; To learn, and to grow.

And to the guy who thought I was “too nice”, I pray that one day you will love yourself enough to risk being too nice to someone who is too nice right back to you.  Because loving fully and being loved in return (come what may) really is a risk worth taking.

Ever wanted something baaaaad?

Like—hot fudge brownies after a juice cleanse, trade in your firstborn child, Olivia and Fitz in an empty room on Scandal—bad?

Maybe you applied for a job that is ridiculously perfect for you. You’ve polished your resume to gleaming perfection, nailed the first interview, and sent a hand written thank you note to possible soon-to-be employer.

Or you just started dating someone and the chemistry off the chain. He seems like he could be the handsome spiritual Romeo to your Juliet and you have visions of the two of you making puns, doing sun salutations and saving the world as you ride off together into the (possibly Costa Rican) sunset! (just me?)

Whatever the situation, you’re excited. No dancing around the perimeter anymore, you’ve taken the risk, put yourself out there, and are now ALL IN.

It’s awesome, exciting & totally exhilarating.

But not knowing if it’s going to all work out is also making you feel, oh how do I put this delicately, FUCKING ANXIOUS!

The thing is it’s easy to be all cool, calm and collected when you don’t care that much about the outcome. When you could really go either way.

But when you do care? It can take everything you have not to unleash a stage 5 hurricane of anxiety onto the world (and hopefully not but unfortunately very possibly) the object of your desire.

If you can relate to what I’m talking about even a little (You know who you are) watch this video and apply these tools (I promise, you’ll thank me later):

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iwmPcEWaRPE]

And if you liked this video, feel free to share it on social media!

xoxo

Rebecca

Ever had one of those days where literally EVERYTHING goes wrong?

You oversleep, rush to the office, and end up spilling your skinny vanilla latte all over your skirt. In an attempt to calm down you log onto Facebook and discover that the ex who broke your heart is dating someone new. And she’s pretty.

Next you open your email, and as you scan your inbox your shoulders begin to tighten as you realize everything you have to do. You’ve barely started responding to messages when your boss stops by with an important project that needs to be done ASAP.

Minutes after you’ve switched gears and begun the new project, your computer freezes and forces you to restart. As you wait for it to do it’s thing (even though you SO don’t have time for this), you check your phone, wondering if the cute guy you met last weekend has texted you. He hasn’t. But your roommate has. There has been a small flood in your apartment. Nothing too crazy, she assures you, everything’s just wet and smells a little like mold…

Can you relate?

Many of us can.

We want to be happy, poised, and serene, but sometimes life just throws a whole lot of crazy our way. And while this story might be a slight exaggeration, I’m confident that many of you can relate to having your good mood and positive intentions rocked by external events outside your control.

LUCKILY, our moods don’t have to be at the whim of fate. In fact, the more we learn about ourselves and practice tools designed to enhance peace and serenity, that harder our calm will be to shake and the quicker we’ll bounce back when it is shaken.

In today’s video I discuss 7 of my favorite tools for reconnecting to your positive energy when you feel out of whack. Use them, share them with your friends, and feel free to leave a comment if they resonate with you:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3ac5xdl2HA]

And if you find these tools helpful + want to learn more about improving your overall sense of peace and well being, contact me for a FREE 45 minute coaching consultation.

XOXO

Rebecca

Greetings from Costa Rica!

It is my deep pleasure to pen this post as I sip fresh coconut water in a hammock overlooking the jungle. Life really doesn’t get better than this.

Now it’s easy to remain in a dizzying haze of bliss when your day is a blur of sun salutations, swimming under waterfalls and sipping piña coladas, but taking the vacation mentality into your every day life is JUST as important.

So if you want a mega-boost for your overall happiness and well being, check out this video of 4 tips for bringing the vacation mentality into your every day life:
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C5h4L0uYiSk]

Peace, love and Pura Vida,

Rebecca

It’s Sunday night; you’ve got laundry to do & House of Cards to binge-watch, so I’ll keep this short.

I frequently get loads of questions about The Law of Attraction and Manifesting, so I recorded a quick video about it. Watch + apply my 4-step easy-peasy process to creating whatever you want & let me know what you think.

And if you want to take a deeper dive into this topic and how it can work for you, sign up for my workshop with the lovely Katie DePaola of Whole Glow this Wednesday night at Tranquil Space.

Peace, love, and a whole lotta fabulous!

Rebecca

His writing is what first drew me in.

Each well-crafted Facebook post wittier and more articulate then the next.

We indulged in periodic online-banter for a year or so after we met. A Facebook “Like” here, a blog comment there. Nothing big. Just two friendly acquaintances with a love of the written word.  I didn’t think much of it.

Until he texted me out of the blue last July:

“Have dinner with me.”

It caught off me guard (to my knowledge he had a serious girlfriend and I had just gotten out of a relationship).  Intrigued, however, I agreed to meet up with him.

Over wine and a shared hummus plate, we quickly realized we were both single.  Chemistry crackled and questions swarmed:  Was this a date?  Did he like me? How did I feel about him?  What would our mutual friends think?

After several more dates and a growing fluttery this-could-be-something-special feeling (at least on my end), he had to leave the country for a month.  Then he started a new job.  Then he got sick.

We still talked but the cadence of communication slowed & I began to grow uncertain about where we stood.  At brunch one day I flat out asked him where he saw things going, to which he cryptically replied, “I’m not looking for anything serious right now but I really like you and could see us becoming something serious in the future”.  I cried (yes, in the restaurant).

Over the next several months we engaged a dance of sorts. I’d feel insecure/resentful that he wasn’t paying more attention to me, break things off, and we’d go a few weeks without talking.  Then one of us would like an Instagram photo or comment on a Facebook post and BOOM he’d be back in my life.  We’d meet up, I’d get excited + hope things would be different this time. And again I’d be disappointed.

The thing that irritated me most about this quasi-relationship was that I felt like it was beneath me.  Not him as a person, per se, but how careless he was with my feelings.  I’ve experienced great relationships in the past and I know how wonderful it feels to love and be loved in return.  I deserved WAY more than he was giving me, so why was I settling?

Because I was a little bored.

Because I crave male attention.

Because there wasn’t anyone else I liked more than him.

And because I found it slightly maddening (and unfortunately hot) that he wasn’t falling head over heels with me.

I’m going to be super transparent and say that this guy is still a little in my life.  And I’m not proud of it.

I almost didn’t write this post because I felt like it would undermine my credibility as a coach.  I didn’t want readers or potential clients to see me as flawed, vulnerable, raw, and imperfect.  Especially in the romance department.  But I am.

And I’ve realized we’re all feel a little flawed, vulnerable, raw and imperfect in certain areas of our lives.  And that admitting to these feelings is actually pretty freeing.

So consider this post me giving you permission:

Permission to not be totally happy with every aspect of your life.  Permission to be less than thrilled about tomorrow’s pink-bedazzled festivities. Permission to feel a little sad or lonely, or whatever is coming up for you. Permission to be imperfect.

We are all beautiful souls on an epic journey toward truth and love.  There will be rough patches and bumps along the way.  No one is perfect, especially not me.  And that’s OK.  In fact, it’s fabulous.

Fear, in my experience, comes in 2 basic varieties.  The kind that has your best interest at heart…and the other kind.

The desire to run like hell when confronted with a speeding train or rabid animal, for example? GOOD FEAR.

Not taking action toward what you’re reallllly passionate about because you’re too scared you’ll fail/be judged/look imperfect? BAD FEAR.

Too many people I know (especially young women) let the bad kind of fear keep them from taking the risks necessary to make awesome things happen in the world.  And I hate it.

So in lieu of a traditional blog post this week, I’ve created a video outlining 4 simple strategies for dealing with and moving past fear that is holding you back from living the life of your dreams.  Hope you enjoy it and here’s to a fearlessly fabulous week!

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uADAXTxDmXQ]

ATTENTION: It’s about to get hella personal up in here.  You’ve been warned.

So a few weeks ago I called one of my closest girlfriends in tears.  I wasn’t exactly sure why I was so upset, but just felt this icky sense I wasn’t as much of a priority to her as I used to be (She recently started dating someone new and has become a lot busier with work).  Though I fully expected a flood of reassurances and I’m sorry I miss you toos, they never came.

Instead, she basically told me what no self-respecting woman/aspiring life coach ever wants to hear.  Essentially: You’re too needy.  You depend on me too much for emotional support.  The friendship feels draining.

Yikes.

Shocked, my initial response was to feel super defensive and accuse her of being unsupportive and a bad friend.

But because I really do value this relationship and am committed to self-improvement, I decided to pray about the situation and asked The Universe to help me learn whatever lesson or nugget of wisdom it had for me.

And boy did it deliver!

After some journaling (and several versions of this blog post) I began to realize that I had made this friendship “special” in a way that was actually pretty unfair to my friend.  Because I considered her to be my “best” friend (so middle school, I know), I’d started to rely on her almost exclusively for emotional support. I would frequently call her just to process my feelings and felt jealous of her friendships with others. If for whatever reason she wasn’t able to provide the support I craved I would get super irritated and upset.  I even once got mad at her for not talking to me for two days when she had lost her voice.

Total crazytown, right?!

But when you’re in it, you sometimes don’t realize how unhealthy your behavior has become.

Though this is the first time this type of dependent relationship has really come up for me in a friendship with another woman, I’ve definitely experienced a similar dynamic with past boyfriends; overreacting when they didn’t say quite the right thing when I was upset and needing excessive reassurance about how much they loved me.

I guess I’d always thought it was normal to have some level of emotional dependence and jealousy in romantic relationships, and pretty much chalked it up to the popular cultural narrative that guys just aren’t that good at providing emotional support.  But having a close girlfriend (who is pretty damn self-aware) say these things to me really altered my perspective.

I now think that when you treat someone like an emotional security blanket and make them more “special” and “important” than everyone else in your life, you’re bound create one hot co-dependent mess!  Whether it’s with your boyfriend, best friend, mom or anyone else for that matter, you set that person (and the relationship) up to fail because no one person will ever meet 100% your needs.  It’s simply not possible.

Additionally, when you decide to rely exclusively on a single person for emotional support, you close yourself off to a whole host of other support available to you.  Other friends, a therapist, a life coach, activities you love, or even God (if that resonates with you) can be wonderful sources of love and support if you are open to them.

Now my intention with this post is in no way to suggest that it’s “wrong” to feel clingy, needy, or overly dependent. It’s actually deeply human to crave emotional support and signifies that you are an alive and loving person (go you!).  What I am suggesting is that you stop making one relationship more “special” than the rest and expecting to get all of your emotional support from that person.  Not only is it unfair to guilt-trip someone for not meeting all of your emotional needs, your dependence might sabotage an otherwise beautiful relationship.

So what DO you do if you’re feeling super dependent, emotional and all around crazy around a relationship in your life?

So glad you asked.

1) First, forgive yourself.  These feelings are NORMAL and there’s nothing wrong with you for feeling them.  It’s actually really brave to admit feeling needy and dependent in our “he’s just not that into you” culture. Many people refuse to acknowledge these “un-cool” feelings at all and instead lash out at the object of their neediness (gossiping about them to other friends, pulling away from the relationship, or blaming them for the way we feel).  Acknowledging how you really feel is half the battle.

2) The next step is to get all of your feelings out onto the pages of a journal (or Microsoft Word document).,  Write everything down, letting all the shameful painful icky bits just pour out onto the page.  Articulate your deepest fears about the relationship such as, “I’m not good enough”, “They don’t love me as much as I love them” or my personal favorite, “I’ll be alone forever”.  Remember, this is for your eyes only.

3) Once you’ve unleashed all your feelings, insecurities and worst-case scenarios onto the page, you’ll likely feel a sense of relief.  You may even laugh at some of the ridiculous things that came out (we really are our own worst enemies).  Now it’s time to go through what you’ve written and underline any assumptions you’ve made.  For each one, ask yourself, “How true is this really?”, “Does this belief serve me?” and “what are some examples that contradict this belief?”.

4) After re-visiting what you’ve written and questioning your assumptions, do something to release the whole experience to the Universe in whatever form feels right to you.  If you’re into rituals (you witchy thang you 😉 ), consider burning the journal pages, saying a prayer, or repeating a mantra such as: Universe I surrender to your divine wisdom.  Support me as I learn whatever lesson this situation is here to teach me.

5) Next, listen for intuitive hits on how to proceed.  Do you feel an urge to have a conversation with the person in question?  Does a book on co-dependence fall off the bookshelf?  Do you hear a new song on the radio with a message that so resonates with how you’re feeling it’s eerie?  When you surrender to the Universe and are open to signs, you will receive all the guidance you need to move forward.

6) Lastly, start investing in a care team. Regardless of what happens with the relationship in question, it’s important to set yourself up for success, and one of the best ways to do this is to diversify the ways in which you get support during times of need (I’d like to credit my kick ass friend and fellow life coach Katie DePaola for introducing me to this powerful concept).  Your care team might include several friends/family members, a therapist, life coach, mentor, spiritual counselor, personal trainer, nutritionist or anyone else that feels right to you.

A care team provides you with a strong foundation so that when things don’t go as planned, you won’t be so easily knocked off balance.  It will also force you not to put too much pressure on a single person to help you deal with your emotions.  And by making this kind of investment, you send a powerful message to the Universe that you’re feelings are worth investigating and that you are committed to living your best life possible (hell yeah girl!).

So now it’s your turn: Do you experience neediness in relationships?  Have any tips for getting past it?  I would LOVE to hear them in the comments section below.  And if you want to consider adding me to your care team (I’d be honored!), email me at Rebecca@thepursuitoffabulous.com for a complementary coaching consultation!

Here’s to kissing co-dependence buh-bye and and creating oh so healthy relationships!

xoxo

Rebecca